Monday Afternoon Movie, a Podcast

Written by Jennifer Manriquez, Editor-In-Chief, Paddy Jack Press

If you were alive in the 70s, you might be lucky enough to remember those dark, dour, and delicious made-for-TV horror films that premiered on any given major television network every week.They always featured one major star, to draw you in, like Shelley Winters, Kate Jackson, or Linda Blair. No matter how inappropriate for children they may have been, the entire family gathered around to watch, absolutely enthralled by every word and movement on the screen. The 70s heralded the dawn of the “Satanic Panic” era, so the plots almost always revolved around Satan and his minions. The crazy exploits of the characters in these films were all anyone at school talked about the next day.

“Did you see the little goblins in Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark last night?” “Holy cow, can you believe what happened at the end of Satan’s School for Girls?” I loved these films as a kid, and still love them now. All of them are on YouTube in their entirety, absolutely for free, complete with all the little scratches and pops leftover from the VHS tape they were recorded on 40 years ago. 

So, I was beyond delighted when I recently stumbled across a gem of a podcast, created in honor of these made-for-TV wonders of yesteryear; hosted by actor, writer, improviser, and comedian, Sam Pancake (yes, Pancake is his real last name). It’s called Monday Afternoon Movies. Every week Sam invites a friend to watch a 70s-era made-for-TV film, and they discuss it down to every detail of costuming, casting choice, and goofy hairdo. It is captivating and absolutely hilarious. 

Sam is the perfect host. He is competent and clever, and he genuinely loves the subject matter. He states in the first episode that his mom always made him go to bed before the movie was finished, and she promised to tell him how it ended, but by the next morning she could never remember. It drove him crazy, so now he’s making up for all of those missed opportunities and botched endings by re-watching the films from his youth and actually finishing them. 

Sam is openly gay and, while I wouldn’t generally bring up someone’s sexuality in a podcast review, it’s important here because it is a huge part of Sam’s life and professional persona, and Sam wields it beautifully, with heart and aplomb. He’s like the gay best friend you always wanted in college, and the one you desperately need dropping truth bombs about your life choices as an adult. To put it to you straight (no pun intended), Sam is utterly fabulous! And his guests are amazing too. He invites boisterous drag queens, hilarious comedians, experienced actors, and clever friends to guest-host the show with him. The conversations are keen, thoughtful, and extremely funny. I’ve been bingeing the show for the past week and I can’t get enough of it. There are only two seasons so far, and I’m desperate for a third. Even if you’ve never seen or heard of these movies, you can easily enjoy this podcast. They discuss the plot from front to back, so you’re never left out of the loop with regard to story. And, I promise, you will never fail to laugh. 

Monday Afternoon Movie is available on all the standard podcast platforms, totally free. You can also visit the website https://www.mondayafternoonmovie.com/ for more information.

The Other (1972)

Written by Jennifer Manriquez, Editor-In-Chief, Paddy Jack Press

A spoiler-free review!

The Other was released theatrically in 1972, which is strange because it has the well-established patina of a 70s-era made-for-TV movie. After watching it, I was surprised that it had a theatrical presence at all. Visually, it looks like an episode of Little House on the Prairie. It’s a fairly slow-moving, but well-written and well-acted film, with one twist that is broadcast from the very beginning (it may have surprised audiences in the 1970s, but it will surprise no-one in the early 2000s) and another that even seasoned horror buffs won’t see coming. To put it simply, I watch horror films day and night, and very little surprises me, but something happened in this film that made me gasp and cover my mouth with my hand. Sometimes it’s the little things that get you. 

The boys who play the twins (real-life twins, Chris and Martin Udvarnoky) are boyishly cute, with chubby legs and chili bowl haircuts, which serve to leave the audience conflicted about their true intentions. They do a great job of conveying their inherent evil and their complete naivete toward it, leaving us wondering what fate they truly deserve. They’re only children, after all. 

The very well-known stage actress, and winner of multiple Tony awards, Uta Hagen, stars as the boys’ grandmother, Ada. There is a distinct difference in Uta Hagen’s acting style compared to everyone else in the film. The other actors act, Uta Hagen ACTS HER ASS OFF. She chews the scenery like a starving person who just happened upon a church barbecue. She pours a palatable wash of emotions into every word she speaks. Every part of her face says the words with her. Her hands say the words, her posture says the words. She is a force to be reckoned with, and the audience knows they can trust her. Her love for the boys is evident in every move she makes, every glance at them speaks of her neverending devotion to them. If nothing else, watch the film for her performance. 

Also, in a don’t-blink-or-you’ll miss it appearance, you can spot the late, great John Ritter in one of his first film roles. 

There is a sense of unrealness to this film, the bright but somehow muted colors making it feel dreamlike. As I watched it, I kept wondering if the whole thing might turn out to be a dream in the end (which it, thankfully, doesn’t). The setting is Connecticut in the summer of 1935, and the freedom experienced by these kids evokes love for the summers of my youth (I grew up in the 70s and 80s). We weren’t put into summer camps to keep us busy and out of trouble all day. No sir. We got on our bikes as soon as we finished breakfast and we did whatever we pleased, with total freedom, until dinnertime. “Home by dinner” was the rule for all the kids in my neighborhood. Watching the twins, Niles and Holland, running around in nature completely unsupervised reminded me of those days long ago. Kids today will never know that level of freedom. My own daughter, who’s in a theatre camp as I type this, will never know that level of freedom. Stealing pickles from an old lady’s garage, wandering a wooded area and watching the little critters scurry and fly around, finding a secret entrance to the basement you’ve been warned away from. These are all things the twins get into during the film, and all things I could easily tie to my own past, which is why I think I was able to sympathize with these characters so well. They’re just boys. Let them have their fun. They won’t hurt anyone… until they do. 

I’ve been told that I give these older films more credit than I should, but I disagree. I’ll admit that I have a special, nostalgic sort of love regarding made-for-TV films. And, while I know this had a quiet theatrical run first, I also know that it was aired quite a bit on television in the late 70s and early 80s, with a slightly different ending tailored to TV audiences. That makes it enough of a made-for-TV film for me. I honestly don’t know what I like most about 70s made-for-TV horror. Is it the pancake makeup, the fact that almost nobody plays their age, or is it the silly anachronisms and low-budget special effects? I can’t put my finger on it, but that’s okay because I love it all. Despite their flaws, some of these films are truly very frightening and can easily stand the test of time. This is one of them. I recommend watching it on a warm summer night, with a glass of lemonade and a plate of cookies. Pull out your grandmother’s old lace shawl and wrap yourself in it. Turn off your phone and put it away. Immerse yourself in the colors, the performances, and the story. I think you might just be surprised where it takes you.  

The Return of Horror Hero, Joe Bob Briggs

Written by Jennifer Manriquez, Editor-In-Chief, Paddy Jack Press

Joe Bob Briggs is the patron saint of horror and exploitation films the world over. We know him. We love him. And, for 17 years, we have mourned the loss of him. Until now...

On Friday the 13th, 2018, curated internet horror channel Shudder unleashed a 24-hour live movie marathon called The Last Drive-In, hosted by none other than Joe Bob Briggs.

I don't know how many of you watched MonsterVision with Joe Bob Briggs back in the 90s, but I was there in my living room every weekend, eyes glued to the TV screen, soaking in all of the encyclopedic horror knowledge Joe Bob had to gift viewers in the interstitial spots before and after commercial breaks. He was (and still is) absolutely mesmerizing! It's like he knows everything! And, as if that wasn't cool enough, he's also really, really damn funny.

Having been born and raised in the great state of Texas myself, it was so amazing to have a really smart and witty Southerner who loved horror right there on national TV for all the world to see.  You see, Southern girls are supposed to go to church and read romance novels and watch soap operas and make nachos for their football-loving husbands. But that's not me. That's never been me. And I've always felt like kind of an outsider and a weirdo. So, Joe Bob made me feel validated. Joe Bob felt like a friend. Joe Bob was then, and remains to this day, a sincere and much-lauded hero of mine.

So, you can imagine how I nearly fell out of my friggin' chair when I found out he was coming to Richardson, TX, to host a live screening of Sleepaway Camp at the Alamo Drafthouse!! I could meet the master himself?! Just thinking about it now gives me goosebumps all over again. And I feel I need to demonstrate that my barometer for meeting celebrities is pretty low. I love horror, but I'm not willing to pay sixty bucks to get an autograph from the guy who played the guy with the thing in that one movie. But for Joe Bob, hell yes! I'd do just about anything for him! (P.S. He didn't even charge for pictures and autographs - it was $16 for the movie ticket and nothing more.) And I kind of thought it would be just a quick hello before the movie, then a meet and greet afterward, but it was so much more! Joe Bob did a long, hilarious talk before the movie, gave away some t-shirts, made jokes about how the Shudder channel wouldn't let him put the word "breasts" on the t-shirt that also featured their logo. THEN he did the drive-in totals for the movie, just like old times! It was pure magic.

And, for your viewing pleasure, here's a crappy video I took with my phone of the drive-in totals. Enjoy how my flabby arm can't quite hold the phone still. I said ENJOY, dammit!

 

Even if Joe Bob hadn't been on the scene, watching Sleepaway Camp with a crowd of horror fans was the most amazing experience! Everyone was laughing, clapping, and booing together. When the film was over, the entire audience broke out in thunderous applause! It was so much fun!

After the movie, it was time to meet the man himself. I was so nervous to actually meet one of my heroes! When I was standing in line, he was right there. It was insane! I know I sound like a dork right now, but I fully own it. I was crazy with excitement. 

This is the picture I snapped of Joe Bob
 talking to another fan while I was in line.

The line was long and serpentine, but moved fairly quickly. At the time I snapped the picture you see on the right, I still had a long crook of line to get through. Joe Bob was so generous with his fans, taking the time to talk to each and every one, with a big, friendly smile on his face. I'm a friendly gal too, so while I was in line I met a guy named Eli and we started talking about our shared love of VHS tapes and how VHS rental stores are starting to make an underground comeback. It was great! He also hipped me to a local VHS swap club. Thanks, Eli!

Eventually, my turn came. And I had the biggest, dumbest grin on my face. Joe Bob stuck his hand out to shake mine and I just immediately fan-gasm'd all over him. 

"You're my hero... I watched every episode of MonsterVision... It's because of you that I blog about horror movies now... etc."

His response was so kind! He said, "Oh, you're a blogger?" And he actually asked me to send him a link to my website! Seriously, he was just so sweet and gracious, and I wish I could've had more time to talk to him. I'd love to pepper him with questions about his career and his interest in horror movies and so much more. But, alas, there were people behind me. Sigh... So, I had to get a picture snapped and move along. 

I rode home (my best friend, Sammy, drove me; thanks girl!) with my head in the clouds, so happy to have met this legendary human. But there was more fun to be had! The marathon was the following night!

Like many people I subscribed to Shudder for the sole purpose of watching the marathon. And, like many people, I was super pissed when I turned on the Shudder channel at 8:00 p.m. and saw absolutely nothing. If you were there, and if you were at all connected to Twitter at the time, you will know that the Twitter-verse lost it's ever-loving shit that night when Shudder was so overwhelmed by viewers that it basically just crapped out. Fans are now referring to it as "the night Joe Bob broke the internet." For three full hours I got nothing. And it's not like Shudder was stopping the marathon until they were able to go to Best Buy and purchase a zillion more servers. No. Those of us who were getting left out in the cold, were just out of luck and that's it. So, like everyone else, I took to Twitter to exclaim my disappointment with cuss words and rowdy gifs. Here are a few of my posts:

 Yeah, I was pissed. We all were. But, then magically after three-ish hours, the live feed came on and I was immediately happy again. It was as quick as flipping a switch. Slowly all the feeds started coming on for everybody. There were still problems throughout the night, with a lot of people giving up and swearing off Shudder forever. But I stuck with it. My feed would occasionally flicker out, but I learned that I could switch to my computer to pick it back up, then half an hour later switch back to my Roku. There was even a guy on Twitch who was streaming the live feed with his phone, and I watched a good couple of hours that way. Hardcore fans found a way to make it happen!

I live-tweeted half the night (yes, I fell asleep; I'm a mom, don't judge me) then woke up and continued watching and tweeting over coffee the next morning. It was the most fun I've had in a long time! It took me back to those MonsterVision days where, to enjoy it, you had to tune in on Saturday night. There was no such thing as streaming - there was just you and a TV, probably a beer or two and a bucket of popcorn. I wouldn't trade those nights for anything. This was just the same. Joe Bob hasn't lost a bit of his old sly wit. He even regaled the viewers with some wonderfully pissy tirades! I can't see some jackass messing with their phone now without hearing Joe Bob's voice saying, "Stop fiddlin' with your phone!" Wise words indeed, sir.

During the marathon screening of Sleepaway Camp, fans got a special treat! The star of the film, Felissa Rose, who played main character, Angela, showed up for one of Joe Bob's patented interviews and it was amazing! At that point, I decided to publicly forgive Shudder. Here's my tweet:

We got to watch some great horror films with Joe Bob, and with each other on Twitter, that night! The full line up was (in order): Tourist Trap, Sleepaway Camp, Rabid, The Prowler, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, Daughters of Darkness, Blood Feast, Basket Case, Re-Animator, Demons, The Legend of Boggy Creek, Hellraiser, and Pieces. Each of Joe Bob's interstitial bits were replete with knowledge-dropping, interviews, lessons, a heartfelt tribute to John Zacherle, and even sing-alongs.

The full marathon ended with a last, lone shot of Joe Bob in his longhorn chair, taking off his cowboy hat and looking around, then down at his feet, as the lights in the studio went off one by one. I got a little teary-eyed as I watched it and, like probably everyone watching, I hoped this wouldn't really be the last time John Bloom dons that bolo tie and entertains audiences worldwide as Joe Bob Briggs...

Luckily, exactly one week later, I saw this on Twitter!'

He's coming back! The drive-in will truly never die!!! And I will definitely be there to watch. I still have my Shudder subscription and don't plan on turning it off anytime soon. Thank you, Shudder! And, most of all, thank you Joe Bob!!! You made this gal's horror heart sing, and I am so glad you're back!

 

Lastly, I want to say that I know this isn't exactly a professional review, guys. This is a straight-up fan waxing about something that made me insanely happy. I hope you enjoyed reading about my experience with Joe Bob and I hope you'll join me on Twitter for the next Joe Bob run! Until then, fellow drive-in mutants. Until then...

All Four Jaws'es

Written by Jennifer Manriquez, Editor-In-Chief, Paddy Jack Press

You're gonna need a bigger blog!

(Hey-ohhh, sorry but I couldn't resist.)

I've been sick for a week - head and chest crud that just doesn't want to go away. And I've been thinking I should go to the doctor, but as sweet as my doctor is, she is notorious for throwing an antibiotic at literally every ailment. You have a rash? Here, take an antibiotic. Oh, your hair is thinning? An antibiotic will cure that. Broken toenail, you say? Take this Z-pack, it'll fix you right up. Then it's diarrhea for two weeks and, if you'll pardon this dose of reality, a scorching yeast infection. No thanks. I am seriously trying to get over this one on my own. Anyway, the point I'm making is that I've had a lot of down-time over the past week, and I've watched a crap-ton of movies. Poltergeist, Knock Knock, Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension, to name a few (reviews on the latter two coming soon). I also watched - are you ready for this? - all four Jaws installments right in a row. For the first time in my entire 43 and a half years of life. It was so enlightening! As well as confusing... but I'll get to that. Here we go!

Let's start with Jaws, the first. Frankly, it's one of my favorite movies of all time, and to me it's just straight-up flawless. It really doesn't get any better than this. Sure, those deep-diving reviewers can find problems with it, and they just love to yap about the troubles on set. But I don't care about any of that. The movie is great! The characters are real, and relatable. Everyone knows a fearful but determined Chief Brody, everyone knows a neurotic, smart and irritatingly rich Hooper, and everyone knows a crotchety old crazy bastard like Quint, the asshole you can trust. I feel like all three of these people are somewhere in my personality (minus the rich part), and I can relate to them, which makes every scene of the film that much more enjoyable. Plus, a shark!

If you do not yet believe that I have a deep love for this film, 

I give you the following evidence:

Yes, friends. These are my cankles in my super-fancy, much-beloved Jaws topsiders. I had to have 'em! And when I live-tweeted Jaws with my Twitter pals a couple of weeks ago, I wore them proudly. 

I don't feel that I need to say anything more about Jaws. We've all seen it. I love it crazy-hard, it's amazingly good, and still holds up even in the age of CGI and ADD. I hate that Quint was eaten by his greatest fear and most tragic memory, but them's the breaks in horror films. So, I hereby dedicate this review to the memory of Quint, because he rocks.

Quint. All hail.

Also, this guy Harry rocks.

"That's some bad hat, Harry."

And, lastly, this guy Harbor Master Frank Silva rocks too.

I want Frank Silva's life. He just looks so happy with his pipe and crackers.

Now - off with the good, and on with the bad. This brings us to Jaws 2.

I can sit through some really boring movies (I liked Maggie, for Pete's sake!) but this one was just a snoozer. It starts off kind of cool, with two rich scuba jerks exploring the underwater wreckage of the Orca, Quint's boat from the first film, and taking stupid pictures. I was into it. Hey, look, there's the Orca! Neat! And then the rich guys get eaten, which was great. We were off to a good start. But then the actual story started, picking up with Brody and his wife and kids at some lame PR event, and it just landed onscreen like a wet fart. 

We have the much older Michael and Sean, Brody's boys, still disobeying their dad. Michael has clearly learned nothing from the first film. And apparently neither has the Amity mayor, who still refuses to close the beaches after a shark attack. It just feels silly and ridiculous. After the events of the first film, you'd think the mayor would hang on Brody's every word, but nope. 

The second set of deaths, a skiier and her boat driver, are kind of funny though, so at least we get a chuckle out of it. The skiier gets eaten, and then the boat driver, who easily could have just left the scene in her boat after she realized her skiier had become chum, decides to fight off the shark using a gas tank and a flare gun, which burns her alive (seriously, she's on water, can't she just jump off the boat and swim for it - she's only 20 yards from shore!). It's really the only time you see someone in a Jaws movie killed by their own ineptitude. At least the shark got a hot lunch. He also got a burned face from biting into the boat while it was on fire, and a bitchin' scar which I suppose was meant to make him look more menacing. But it doesn't. For some reason, this shark looks less realistic than the one from the first film, more foamy and less sharky. You'd think it'd be better, that they would work out any of the kinks from the first film, but nope. They weirdly get progressively worse and less realistic in each consecutive film. 

And Roy Scheider just phones it in - you can tell he doesn't want to be here doing this film. Also, there's no Dreyfuss at all this time, so that's balls. 

While Jaws 2 is generally considered the best of the Jaws sequels, I disagree. I put my money on Jaws 3-D as the best, if only for the corny effects and entertainment value. It's a laugh a minute. Plus, I like the background of the theme park, with it's zany cast of employees in colorful costumes, and it's nifty underwater tunnel. Plus, you get trained dolphins named Cindy and Sandy. What's not to love? 

A young Lea Thompson stars as one of the park's employees, who tries to seduce the now-adult Sean. And the adult Michael, played by Dennis Quaid, is now some kind of engineer, who works at the park, and is dating a sassy marine biologist played by Bess Armstrong, who you probably remember as the dorky mom in My So-Called Life. What?! And if that's not enough star power for ya, put Louis Gossett Jr. in your craw, because yep, he's in it too! 

Jaws 3-D also boasts what is easily the most ponderously terrible attack scene from any of the Jaws films. Behold for yourself in the following video clip - it's so bad it's good...

And now we've reached the final heaving rush of stinging diarrhea from the Jaws franchise, Jaws 4: The Revenge. 

The title implies that the shark is getting revenge on the remaining members of the Brody clan, which is really stupid because that original shark was blown to bits in the first film. Then the random Great White from the second film was electrocuted to bits. And the shark from the 3rd film, who was supposedly just getting back at the park employees for killing her baby, was killed. So, what the hell's the deal with this shark?! How could this shark possibly know that there are three Brodys left on earth to be eaten in an act of "personal" revenge. The premise just makes no goddamn sense on any level. And poor Sean, the youngest Brody, gets eaten right there in the first death scene. Sean has apparently taken over as Chief of the island, where his mom still lives. Why haven't they moved inland by now??! I mean, c'mon people. The beach is clearly not the place for you! 

Michael now has a family and is living in the Bahamas doing some kind of vague research on conch snails. Wasn't he like an engineer or something in the last movie?? So, he talks his grief-stricken mom, played once again by Lorraine Gary, into visiting his family and staying with them through the holidays. Fine, whatever. 

Lorraine Gary's look has really changed since the first film, to a disconcerting degree. She went from soft, sweet mom figure..

...to uber-angular 80s lady, complete with pointy haircut and sharp shoulder pads. Blech.

There's also some mild racism in this film, marking the only time you see a black character who actually fights the shark (and, naturally, dies). This one is so Bahamian he wears Dwayne-Wayne sunglasses, natty dreads, and a host of Bahama and Caribbean-themed shirts. It just kind of seems like overkill to me. I mean, look at this guy. "Look at 'im, mon!" I know I'm describing a Jamaican racist stereotype, and this character is from the Bahamas, and I realize it doesn't make sense. But talk to the director because this Bahamian acts Jamaican. It is sincerely beyond my understanding.

In the end, the shark gets killed and all of the white people swim happily home. Everything seems like it's going to be okay. But how could it be? We're technically on shark #5 in this movie. They just keep popping up! And they're apparently all born with the innate knowledge that there are specific people with the surname of Brody who just plain NEED to be eaten. So, how can everything be okay?? I'm telling you, it makes no effing sense at all. At the end of Jaws 4, the mom is smiling and laughing as she boards a plane to go back home. Back home, where her son was just eaten, where the sharks are clearly popping out of some magical shark-spawning cave. I don't get it. I just don't get it. Move to Oklahoma, dummies! 

But, if there's a Jaws 5, you better believe I'm gonna watch it. And I'm probably gonna need a bigger... no wait, smaller, brain. No problem - I drink a lot of coffee.

Until next time,

"Smile, you son of a bitch!"

The Two Carries

Written by Jennifer Manriquez, Editor-In-Chief, Paddy Jack Press

I know I'm late to this party - comparing the two Carries, the one from 1976 and the newer 2013 version. It's been done before, probably a lot. But I found the 2013 version of Carrie on Hulu this morning and, since I've seen the old one about eight zillion times, I automatically started to draw comparisons, not only to the films, but to my own life. Read on to see what I mean.

1. The Two Posters

 

Poster #1 tells a pretty distinct story: something happened to this chick at the prom and now she's covered in blood and looking deranged. While Poster #2 says: hey, look, a bloody girl. That's it. Also, the first poster uses proper grammar while the second does not... "You will know her name Carrie." What does that even mean? With the insertion of a comma it would have a totally weird meaning. "You will know her name, Carrie." Whose name will Carrie know?! Maybe it should have been a colon. "You will know her name: Carrie" or an elipses, "You will know her name... Carrie." I don't know, but the fact that I'm having to analyze the tagline for meaning doesn't work for me.

2. The Two Carries (Sissy vs. Chloe)

Sissy is a beautiful woman, but let's face it. Redheads look weird without makeup. I can say this because I am a redhead myself and I have the same wan complexion and lack of eyelash color that Sissy has, which is maybe why I identify with her so much better than I do with Chloe. Chloe Grace Moretz is adorable, a little too adorable to play the scorned Carrie White. In real life, Chloe's Carrie would just be a drama weirdo, but probably wouldn't be the subject of such intense ridicule and hatred, while Sissy's Carrie, who looks ghoulish and strange, would definitely be at the butt of some jokes. How do I know this? From experience! More than once as a child I was told, "I don't like your face, freak" and "You look like a ghost" by a member of the cooler class. When I was twelve, my mom and her cousin, Jackie, sat me down and forced me to learn how to apply makeup because "Even a new barn looks better with a coat of paint." Yes, really. That was said to twelve-year-old me, and I still to this day feel ugly when I go outside the house without makeup on. I do it, of course, because makeup is expensive and I'm not about to put it on to go pick up a prescription, but there's that voice of the Cold War-era Southern woman telling me never to leave the house without it, and shouldn't I just be embarrassed! But I digress. Sissy played her Carrie with a cringe-worthy awkwardness that made her almost hard to watch. Chloe's a good li'l actress, but she was clearly miscast in this film. She plays Carrie like a caricature, hyperbolic and overdone. There's no finesse to the performance, and unlike Sissy's, I just can't identify with it.

3. The Two Margaret Whites (Piper vs. Julianne)

I'm too lazy to look this up right now, but didn't Piper Laurie win an Oscar for this role? I think she did. Feel free to "pipe" in on Piper's win (or lack thereof) in the comments. Again, original Carrie's Piper takes the win for me. Julianne Moore is amazing, and she plays the character wonderfully, but I feel that the direction she was given led her to be more menacing than the original mother. Piper played Margaret White with such a deranged glee that it made her just so, so creepy! She smiles as she lunges in to stab her daughter. There's no regret, apology or fear there, just happiness in the knowledge that she's doing the Lord's work. And that is terrifying!

4. The Two Sue Snells (Amy vs. Gabriella)

I liked both Sues. I really did. I thought they both turned in good performances. As with most newer films, the actors are all just a little too perfect for my liking. So, I tend to lean toward Amy Irving's Sue when casting a final vote. And there was a sense that she actually really cared about what happened to Carrie, and wanted to make amends, while Gabriella's Sue is just a touch more distant. But, in the grand scheme of things, both were good.

5. The Two Tommys (William vs. Ansel)

This one's a toughie, because I love William Katt and can sing the entire theme song to Greatest American Hero. But I am also one of those creepy forty-something women who thinks Ansel Elgort is adorable. If I were eighteen again I'd have his Teen Beat posters all over my wall. Is Teen Beat even still around?? Anyway, it's hard. I feel like William Katt gave a nice, albeit corny, performance. And Ansel was his usual adorable self, so it's super hard to cut up anything he does. And I loved the nod Ansel gave to William during the prom-prep montage, where he stopped and looked at himself in the mirror of a tuxedo shop, sporting a ruffly dress shirt and bowtie. I can't pick a winner here - I love them both!

6. The Two Chris'es (Nancy vs. Portia)

Nancy. No contest. When she licks her lips right before she pulls the rope to release the blood, you just know she's a total sociopath. 

7. The Two Whatever-Her-Name-Is'es (P.J. Soles vs.......)

P. J. Soles vs. No-one because P. J. Soles is the queen of everything! I can't even put her up against the actress who played her role in the newer movie, because I just love her so much I'm blind to imitators. You rock, P. J. Soles. You are my hero. I would hang your Teen Beat posters too, just because I want to study and mimic your awesomeness.

8. The Two Gym Teachers (Betty vs. Judy)

I'm giving this one to Betty Buckley, not only because she was raised (and her mom still lives) in the city from which I currently hail, but also because she added a real tenderness to the role that Judy Greer just didn't manage to pull off. 

Don't get me wrong - I love Judy Greer. She's hilarious in everything, because she's a friggin' comedian! She straight-up doesn't belong in this movie. When she says, "You did a shitty thing, a really shitty thing" to the girls on the football field, it feels like she's just phoning it in. But Betty's coach is really pissed and you can tell! There's a genuine sense of dread from the girls in that scene. 

I can imagine being on that field, knowing I'd done something completely idiotic, and knowing that hell was about to be paid because Satan himself was standing right in front of me barking orders. 

9. The Two Proms (DePalma vs. Peirce)

Both prom sequences have their positives, but the original has so much more finesse, and just genuine creepiness to it. There's something to be said for watching William Katt mutter "What the hell?!" but not being able to hear it versus actually hearing the words come out of Ansel Elgort's mouth. The cool thing about the Katt version is that the silence of the scene puts you right inside Carrie's brain. She doesn't hear squat until the laughter of her peers tunnels into her ears all at once and makes her lose it. Plus, you get this awesome split-screen thing.

Carrie's pissed and nobody's getting out of that gym in one piece. The most ingenious thing behind this original 1976 scene is that you are actually rooting for Carrie. Yeah, eff 'em! They all laughed at you and now they get their comeuppance. You don't so much feel that way for the new Carrie. 

Plus, the original has this iconic stage-fire eruption scene that trumps every competitor!

In the new Carrie, you get this...

Fire doesn't so much erupt as it just gets awkwardly flung. In fact, there's a lot of awkwardness to Chloe's final showdown in the new Carrie - it's like she didn't quite know what to do with her arms and face. 

While Sissy knew exactly what to do with her arms and face. Nothing! The only thing that moves is her head when she whips it back and forth to cause mayhem, and then her feet as she walks out of the gym. It's amazing and it totally works!

No weird facial expression here. Just a wide-eyed trance face, expressing nothing. It's so perfect.

I think it's obvious that we have a clear winner here. And, no, Carrie didn't vote for herself. If you've seen either movie, you know she's not into that and only does it under duress. Therefore, I crown thee the superior winner and queen of the Carries.... CARRIE 1976!

CONGRATULATIONS!