October 15, 2015

Sorority Row (2009)

The movie that hates women.

I loved the original 1983 version of The House on Sorority Row so much that when I saw this remake - titled simply Sorority Row - on Netflix, I just had to check it out despite the abysmal star rating. And you know what? I can describe it in two words: hot mess.

*** SPOILER ALERT ***

Why would any self-respecting female even deign to participate in this misogynistic tripe? Only the main stars' characters even have names. The remainder of the females in the film are listed in the credits as "bra-clad sister, slutty sister, naive girl, trampoline sister, already drunk sister, over-it sister, etc." Okay, fine. So, they don't have names. What about the fact that these girls are NEVER without full makeup, even in the shower. I repeat, EVEN IN THE SHOWER! The water might be running over their faces, but that makeup does not budge. They are also ALWAYS in heels and skirts, even when the scenario definitely allows them time to change into something more practical and seriously requires better activewear than heels and skirts, like the time they - oh, I dunno - decided to rappel the innards of a deep, but somehow magically not dark, abandoned mine shaft. Just do it in your heels and skirts, girls. Because that makes total sense. 

Yeah, this is how college girls dress when they're partying. Just like this.

What about how they roofie their friend so she can play dead? Did I mention she's in skimpy lingerie and they're filming her? It's all a part of a dastardly prank to get revenge on said girl's boyfriend because he cheated on her. By the way, the girl in question is Audrina Patridge, made famous from the reality TV show, The Hills, which I'm not gonna lie, I loved. And there was something really satisfying in watching her eat it because, when she took back notorious douchebag Justin Bobby on The Hills, we kind of all wanted to kill her, right?


In addition to the myriad scenes of girls in short skirts and heels, girls getting drunk, girls getting felt up by random passersby, girls being catty, girls willfully playing subordinate roles to both boys their age and men much, much older (one girl consents to having sex with her rancid old therapist so she can score some OxyContin), we also have titties, titties, and more titties. There are so many boobs onscreen, I felt like I was watching a Three Stooges marathon. Hey-ohhhh!
During a party scene (I say "a" because there's more than one party scene), one girl runs through the crowd in a hooded graduation gown, then whips it off to reveal her bare tits while the crowd whoops and hollers. She loves the attention so much, she decides to dance around. Yep, apparently that's all we ladies are good for, showing our tits with the hope of pleasuring men's eyeballs and wieners. I'm so glad this one movie finally managed to get it right! I should stop writing right now and just go to a place crowded with men and show them my big, droopy, post-baby, mom boobies. You think they'd like that shit? 


Now, check out this dumb-as-hell murder weapon. It's a pimped out tire iron. Yeah, you read that correctly. A tire iron, but all jazzed up. And, when we finally learn who the murderer is, the fact that he's using a pimped out tire iron, because that's what the first girl was killed with, makes no sense! He wasn't avenging her at all, he wasn't even related to her or connected to her in any real way. So, why would he take the time to jack up a tire iron in effigy to her murder? 

Because this. Yes, this is how you'd be dressed while running from a psychopath.

By the way, the killer is Andy, who is played by British actor Julian Morris, whom you may know as Ryan on the TV show New Girl. Our two major final girls are Cassidy, played by Briana Evigan, the kick ass girl dancer from the Step Up movies, and Ellie, played by Rumer Willis, the daughter of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis.

Thankfully their perfect makeup made it all the way to the end of the movie.

I didn't think I'd ever see more ridiculous "Final Girl" boobies than those prominently displayed by one Jennifer Love Hewitt in I Still Know What You Did Last Summer...


But I was wrong. Hewitt, your boobs have been challenged by Evigan's boobs. Fight, fight!


Also, I want to let you know that if you are one of those Playboy "readers" who subscribes to the magazine "just for the articles" and doesn't even see the boobs, you won't be bored! The writer of this script is a total genius, who gives us such wonderful and insightful lines as, "Ellie, you're being borderline retarded right now" and "Easy now, Lezzy Lohan" and "Too bad it doesn't prevent bulimia, that's something Megan could actually use."

Carrie Fisher. All hail.

Lastly, worry not. There's one shining gem in this film, in the form of Ms. Carrie Fisher, the queen to all of us who have bipolar disorder. I effing love her. And she does not disappoint. She calls the girls out for being idiots, and then goes after the killer with a buck shot. Her best line is, "Well, he, she or it is about to get two rounds to the face." Carrie Fisher, please be my best friend.

Only these final three have lived to twerk again.
Final thought: Don't watch unless you want to take the feminist movement back about a thousand-zillion years. Don't watch if you hate predictable movies that suck. Do look for Carrie Fisher's scenes on YouTube. Fin.

1 comment:

Mr. Xploit, Esquire said...

Upon reading your review, I realized I've seen this remake but can't recall anything in it. I can't even remember the scenes in your GIFs. Now that's what I call generic. I even recall half the shit I've seen from Full Moon and The Asylum. I can even remember what Ryan Kwanten looks like. No wait... It's gone.