Night of the Comet (1984)

Written by Jennifer Manriquez, Editor-In-Chief, Paddy Jack Press

I have a very distinct memory of loving this movie as a kid. I would have been eleven years old in 1984, so I probably saw the film when it hit video stores around 1985, making me twelve/thirteen-ish when I watched it. I haven't seen it since, and watching it as an adult and a parent is a much more cringe-worthy experience than I remember. 

The film starts out with older sister, Reg, playing the video game Tempest at her B-movie theater usher job. She ignores her boss' constant pleas to be more productive and sasses him when he yells at her to get back to work. As a kid, I'm sure I found this to be hilarious. As an adult, I whispered "no paycheck for you" to the television. When Reg finally agrees to do her job, she flounces away (after stealing popcorn) and goes up to the projection booth to fool around with a guy who is presumably her "boyfriend," but whom she clearly detests. She agrees to have sex with him for $15. Seriously! And then they proceed to make the beast with two backs. Again, they are both on the clock. They fall asleep completely naked and wake up the following morning. Nobody bothered to kick them out when they closed up the theater, I guess. The boss even implied that he knew they were regularly having sex up there, and though it bothered him, he didn't have the gumption to take any action against it. What's even worse is that the next morning, Reg asked the "boyfriend" for the fifteen bucks he promised her and he refused to hand it over. So, what's a girl to do? Just eat more stolen popcorn and play Tempest again. Of course!

In the meantime, her younger sister Samantha, whose character is supposed to be 16 years old, is at home, getting slapped and punched in the face, in full view of dozens of adult Comet Party guests, by her openly-philandering stepmother. None of the adults respond whatsoever, and a bleeding Samantha is sitting on the floor looking only mildly annoyed. What world is this?!

After the apocalypse happens, the two sisters bicker over the only guy they've come across, a fella named Hector. Seriously, it hasn't even been 24 hours since Reg humped her dumb boyfriend in the projection booth and now she and her sister are talking about how Hector might be gay because he didn't "try anything" with Reg. Jeez, Reg. Let your vagina cool off a little bit, okay?

When Hector goes on a recon run, the girls do what every girl would do in the apocalypse, they shop! Cue the montage of two big-haired, 80s teens dancing to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" and changing into new outfits every five seconds. 

Kelli Maroney, who plays younger sister Sam, is the stand out as the feisty, sharp-tongued teenager. She's got a sassy attitude and she looks adorable holding a gun in her cheerleader outfit. My only problem is that she is supposed to be sixteen and there is a lot of emphasis on looking at her boobs. But that's the 80s in a nutshell, right?

Some middle-aged man (in this case, it was  Thom Eberhardt, who was 39 at the time) writes a movie about teenage girls in an apocalypse. The girls are sexy and fun, but tough and cool. They have weapons training and they can take care of themselves. I'm seeing shades of Buffy here, which is great. But the middle-aged man wants to see their boobies, so he writes that in for the, again, SIXTEEN-year-old female character. He also wants the girls to be vapid and slutty, because that's every middle-aged man's fantasy, right? (I know not all men are assholes; I'm just generalizing for the sake of argument.) So, rather than food, shelter, and protection, what these girls are after in the apocalypse is sex and bling!

My numerous feminist complaints aside, for a fan of 80s schlock, it's an enjoyable enough film. While today's audiences are accustomed to hordes of the undead in any given zombie venture, there are scant few "zombies" to contend with. But the better story is the one about the underground (government?) research lab that is tricking survivors by promising safety and shelter. What they are really doing is killing survivors and using their blood to stave off the zombie disease for themselves. I liked that twist and thought it added a fun layer of tension. 

All of the performers were good! The actors worked well with the material they were given. They earned their paychecks. I liked the cinematography - the redness of the atmosphere after the comet passed over was haunting. There's a lot to like! And I think this film flew in the 80s because audiences hadn't seen anything like it before. However, we're jaded now. With all the apocalypse movies and TV shows at our fingertips, we've gotten down to all the dirtiest nitty-gritty the genre has to offer. Shopping and dates barely fit into any of those worlds, making the whole thing just seem a bit silly. But that doesn't mean it's not fun. It's absolutely still fun. 

The Belko Experiment (2016)

Written by Jennifer Manriquez, Editor-In-Chief, Paddy Jack Press

If The Hunger Games had a baby with an industrial office building one drunken night in Colombia, The Belko Experiment would be birthed from that union.

I caught this movie on HBO today and, man, did I enjoy it! It's really fun, guys. At least, it's fun for us horror nerds. I don't know how a "normie" would tolerate it, but I thought it was great! I know it's gotten some less-than-stellar reviews, possibly based on the brutality or inconceivability of some of the scenes. I don't think bad reviews are warranted, though. If this movie had come out in the 70's everyone would still be worshiping it. 

It was written/produced by James Gunn, and directed by some other guy. I kid, I kid... It was directed by a guy named Greg McLean, whose directing credits thus far don't stack up to much, but I was impressed with his direction of this film, so I'll definitely be keeping an eye out for his work in the future.

If you haven't seen it, stop here and go watch it first. 

I'm definitely going to get into some spoiler territory and don't want to wreck it for you. 

The movie is about a non-profit company named Belko (whose purpose is vague) in Bogota, Colombia. There are forty such companies around the globe. The employees are mostly American, although I think a Brit or two may have sneaked in. The main character is Mike, a nice guy and regular Joe who has friends around the office, as well as a girlfriend. The girlfriend, whose name is Leandra, is constantly eyeballed by John C. McGinley, who plays the office creeper, Wendell. Leandra does not take kindly to Wendell's bullshit, a plot point I assumed would lead to a rapey scene later on, but thankfully it didn't. There's also a new gal to the office, Dany, and she gets some kind of tracking implant put into her head because it might help them find her if she gets kidnapped. Oh, you were wondering how many offices do a minor surgical procedure on new employees? Yeah, you're right, exactly none. So, that bit was a tad unbelievable. But, just like in the Purge films (of which I'm a big fan), if you can suspend your disbelief just enough you can really go for a fun ride. So, just ignore that minor thing that makes no sense and stick with it. 

As the employees are coming into the building, their cars and IDs are being respectively searched and scanned. And a new set of guards they've never seen before are turning away the usual security team, much to the suspicion of the employees, but a job's a job so what are ya gonna do?

After a standard morning at the office, a voice comes over the loudspeaker and tells everyone in the building that if they don't kill two of the eighty employees in the building - it's their choice which ones - that six will die. A bunch of metal blockades go shooting up over all the windows and doors, which is a cool effect and helps us to feel the characters' sense of isolation more fully. Of course they don't choose anyone to die, so six people randomly drop dead, the backs of their heads inexplicably blown out. Was it a gunshot, you ask? Why no, it's those goddamn weird tracking implants they have. This bit, again, is just a little too convenient, but it ends up working pretty well to drive the plot along as you have no clue who's going to be killed next, or by whom. If the people in the office aren't doing the killing, some rando in a warehouse will just flip a switch and blow some heads out. Without this plot device, I don't see how the story would have worked, so as unrealistic as it is, I support it. 

You can imagine where it goes from here. Madness and mayhem. A group of assholes, led by Barry the C.O.O., takes control of the weapons cache. Oh... why does an office building have a weapons cache, you ask? Don't ask! It just does! (Personally, I feel that the weapons cache thing could have been left out entirely and the story would have been fine.) It clearly apes Lord of the Flies here. You have Mike's (Ralph's) side, the good guys, and Barry's (Jack's) crew, the bad guys. The two factions ally themselves early on, which results in a lot of chaos and killing. Hey, that's why we wanted to see it, though, right?

I feel there were some wasted opportunities in the plot. At the beginning of the film, there's one super bitchy older lady who causes trouble. You'd think the people she wronged might take advantage of the opportunity to fuck with her later on, but that never happens. And, like I said before, there's an office creeper hanging around one of our heroines. There's a little bit of throwback to that later in the movie when he accuses her of teasing him, but that's really as far as it goes.

Our main hero, and our final guy Mark (you know from the first scene he's going to be the lone survivor; it's broadcast pretty hard) never actually kills anyone until the very end, when he bludgeons the main asshole, Barry, to death with a tape dispenser. It's a pretty thrilling and cathartic scene as you have now come to despise Barry, and you can't help but to rejoice in Mark's triumph over him. With Mark the winner and sole survivor, the walls come down and Mark is escorted to the warehouse where the army guys were controlling whose heads exploded and whose didn't. There are monitors everywhere and a main baddy who wants to sit Mark down and ask him questions. Well, Mark's not having it. He rushes the control panel and blows up all the army guys with tracking devices that he secretly placed on them just moments before. For a split second, the camera lingers on Mark eyeballing his own control switch and I thought he might make the choice to blow himself up. But, alas, he walks outside and looks up at a beautiful sky. As the camera pulls out on Mark, we are transported to a panel of monitors, all showing similar lone survivors, with Mark's monitor in the middle. Presumably, the Belko experiment has happened at other Belko buildings as well, and even the army guys were pawns in a much bigger game. An off-screen voice tells us that phase 1 was a success and now phase 2 can begin, then the credits roll. 

Will there be a sequel? Not likely, which bums me out super hard. I read a couple of interviews with James Gunn saying that he has the next two films worked out in his head, but it's "up to the fans" whether or not they will get made. Up to the fans? What does that mean? What can we do? I feel like Michael Scott, from The Office. When he wanted to declare bankruptcy, he just walked out into the main room and said loudly, "I declare BANKRUPTCY!" I want to walk out onto my front porch and yell, "I am a fan, and I want a SEQUEL!!!!" If that will help, I'll seriously do it, guys. 

Final thought: It's like Lord of the Flies meets the Stanford prison experiment. It brutal, gory, and fun. It's perfect for horror fans. Go watch it!

The Return of Horror Hero, Joe Bob Briggs

Written by Jennifer Manriquez, Editor-In-Chief, Paddy Jack Press

Joe Bob Briggs is the patron saint of horror and exploitation films the world over. We know him. We love him. And, for 17 years, we have mourned the loss of him. Until now...

On Friday the 13th, 2018, curated internet horror channel Shudder unleashed a 24-hour live movie marathon called The Last Drive-In, hosted by none other than Joe Bob Briggs.

I don't know how many of you watched MonsterVision with Joe Bob Briggs back in the 90s, but I was there in my living room every weekend, eyes glued to the TV screen, soaking in all of the encyclopedic horror knowledge Joe Bob had to gift viewers in the interstitial spots before and after commercial breaks. He was (and still is) absolutely mesmerizing! It's like he knows everything! And, as if that wasn't cool enough, he's also really, really damn funny.

Having been born and raised in the great state of Texas myself, it was so amazing to have a really smart and witty Southerner who loved horror right there on national TV for all the world to see.  You see, Southern girls are supposed to go to church and read romance novels and watch soap operas and make nachos for their football-loving husbands. But that's not me. That's never been me. And I've always felt like kind of an outsider and a weirdo. So, Joe Bob made me feel validated. Joe Bob felt like a friend. Joe Bob was then, and remains to this day, a sincere and much-lauded hero of mine.

So, you can imagine how I nearly fell out of my friggin' chair when I found out he was coming to Richardson, TX, to host a live screening of Sleepaway Camp at the Alamo Drafthouse!! I could meet the master himself?! Just thinking about it now gives me goosebumps all over again. And I feel I need to demonstrate that my barometer for meeting celebrities is pretty low. I love horror, but I'm not willing to pay sixty bucks to get an autograph from the guy who played the guy with the thing in that one movie. But for Joe Bob, hell yes! I'd do just about anything for him! (P.S. He didn't even charge for pictures and autographs - it was $16 for the movie ticket and nothing more.) And I kind of thought it would be just a quick hello before the movie, then a meet and greet afterward, but it was so much more! Joe Bob did a long, hilarious talk before the movie, gave away some t-shirts, made jokes about how the Shudder channel wouldn't let him put the word "breasts" on the t-shirt that also featured their logo. THEN he did the drive-in totals for the movie, just like old times! It was pure magic.

And, for your viewing pleasure, here's a crappy video I took with my phone of the drive-in totals. Enjoy how my flabby arm can't quite hold the phone still. I said ENJOY, dammit!

 

Even if Joe Bob hadn't been on the scene, watching Sleepaway Camp with a crowd of horror fans was the most amazing experience! Everyone was laughing, clapping, and booing together. When the film was over, the entire audience broke out in thunderous applause! It was so much fun!

After the movie, it was time to meet the man himself. I was so nervous to actually meet one of my heroes! When I was standing in line, he was right there. It was insane! I know I sound like a dork right now, but I fully own it. I was crazy with excitement. 

This is the picture I snapped of Joe Bob
 talking to another fan while I was in line.

The line was long and serpentine, but moved fairly quickly. At the time I snapped the picture you see on the right, I still had a long crook of line to get through. Joe Bob was so generous with his fans, taking the time to talk to each and every one, with a big, friendly smile on his face. I'm a friendly gal too, so while I was in line I met a guy named Eli and we started talking about our shared love of VHS tapes and how VHS rental stores are starting to make an underground comeback. It was great! He also hipped me to a local VHS swap club. Thanks, Eli!

Eventually, my turn came. And I had the biggest, dumbest grin on my face. Joe Bob stuck his hand out to shake mine and I just immediately fan-gasm'd all over him. 

"You're my hero... I watched every episode of MonsterVision... It's because of you that I blog about horror movies now... etc."

His response was so kind! He said, "Oh, you're a blogger?" And he actually asked me to send him a link to my website! Seriously, he was just so sweet and gracious, and I wish I could've had more time to talk to him. I'd love to pepper him with questions about his career and his interest in horror movies and so much more. But, alas, there were people behind me. Sigh... So, I had to get a picture snapped and move along. 

I rode home (my best friend, Sammy, drove me; thanks girl!) with my head in the clouds, so happy to have met this legendary human. But there was more fun to be had! The marathon was the following night!

Like many people I subscribed to Shudder for the sole purpose of watching the marathon. And, like many people, I was super pissed when I turned on the Shudder channel at 8:00 p.m. and saw absolutely nothing. If you were there, and if you were at all connected to Twitter at the time, you will know that the Twitter-verse lost it's ever-loving shit that night when Shudder was so overwhelmed by viewers that it basically just crapped out. Fans are now referring to it as "the night Joe Bob broke the internet." For three full hours I got nothing. And it's not like Shudder was stopping the marathon until they were able to go to Best Buy and purchase a zillion more servers. No. Those of us who were getting left out in the cold, were just out of luck and that's it. So, like everyone else, I took to Twitter to exclaim my disappointment with cuss words and rowdy gifs. Here are a few of my posts:

 Yeah, I was pissed. We all were. But, then magically after three-ish hours, the live feed came on and I was immediately happy again. It was as quick as flipping a switch. Slowly all the feeds started coming on for everybody. There were still problems throughout the night, with a lot of people giving up and swearing off Shudder forever. But I stuck with it. My feed would occasionally flicker out, but I learned that I could switch to my computer to pick it back up, then half an hour later switch back to my Roku. There was even a guy on Twitch who was streaming the live feed with his phone, and I watched a good couple of hours that way. Hardcore fans found a way to make it happen!

I live-tweeted half the night (yes, I fell asleep; I'm a mom, don't judge me) then woke up and continued watching and tweeting over coffee the next morning. It was the most fun I've had in a long time! It took me back to those MonsterVision days where, to enjoy it, you had to tune in on Saturday night. There was no such thing as streaming - there was just you and a TV, probably a beer or two and a bucket of popcorn. I wouldn't trade those nights for anything. This was just the same. Joe Bob hasn't lost a bit of his old sly wit. He even regaled the viewers with some wonderfully pissy tirades! I can't see some jackass messing with their phone now without hearing Joe Bob's voice saying, "Stop fiddlin' with your phone!" Wise words indeed, sir.

During the marathon screening of Sleepaway Camp, fans got a special treat! The star of the film, Felissa Rose, who played main character, Angela, showed up for one of Joe Bob's patented interviews and it was amazing! At that point, I decided to publicly forgive Shudder. Here's my tweet:

We got to watch some great horror films with Joe Bob, and with each other on Twitter, that night! The full line up was (in order): Tourist Trap, Sleepaway Camp, Rabid, The Prowler, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, Daughters of Darkness, Blood Feast, Basket Case, Re-Animator, Demons, The Legend of Boggy Creek, Hellraiser, and Pieces. Each of Joe Bob's interstitial bits were replete with knowledge-dropping, interviews, lessons, a heartfelt tribute to John Zacherle, and even sing-alongs.

The full marathon ended with a last, lone shot of Joe Bob in his longhorn chair, taking off his cowboy hat and looking around, then down at his feet, as the lights in the studio went off one by one. I got a little teary-eyed as I watched it and, like probably everyone watching, I hoped this wouldn't really be the last time John Bloom dons that bolo tie and entertains audiences worldwide as Joe Bob Briggs...

Luckily, exactly one week later, I saw this on Twitter!'

He's coming back! The drive-in will truly never die!!! And I will definitely be there to watch. I still have my Shudder subscription and don't plan on turning it off anytime soon. Thank you, Shudder! And, most of all, thank you Joe Bob!!! You made this gal's horror heart sing, and I am so glad you're back!

 

Lastly, I want to say that I know this isn't exactly a professional review, guys. This is a straight-up fan waxing about something that made me insanely happy. I hope you enjoyed reading about my experience with Joe Bob and I hope you'll join me on Twitter for the next Joe Bob run! Until then, fellow drive-in mutants. Until then...

Cargo (2017)

Written by Jennifer Manriquez, Editor-In-Chief, Paddy Jack Press

I watched this film on a whim, only because I love Martin Freeman and I'll watch almost anything with zombies in it. I didn't expect much. I hadn't heard of it. With a shrug and sigh I started it up and, by the end of the thing, I was crying my eyes out, completely emotionally devastated, and yet somehow weirdly comforted - totally drained of energy, but in a strangely good mood. I don't know how to explain it. Very few films can do this to me. This one is a rare gem in a valley of celluloid boulders.

Cargo is still new, so I'm not going to talk about the story at all. I want you to unpack and experience it for yourself. I'm only going to tell you that the acting is phenomenal, the scenery both breathtaking and frightening, the story simple yet superb, and the practical effects impressive.  

I referred to Cargo on Twitter as a "zombie-ish" movie, because while there are zombies and the plague that has swept Australia is what drives the plot forward, the zombies are really just backdrops to a much more personal story. I don't think it's correct to refer to this simply as a zombie film. It's much more emotionally driven, with characters you get to know fairly intimately as human beings, and that you can't help but to care about. Because they could be you. They are real, not superhuman, not bad ass zombie killers, not heroes. Just ordinary people. And that's what makes Cargo stand out. Nobody in it is particularly special. Everyone is either trying to survive, or they're tired and they're giving up. And that's it. 

Cargo is based on a short film by the same title and from the same writers. The short film is equally impressive. I do not, however, recommend that you watch the short before you see the feature-length film. I know it came first, but trust me on this. If you watch the short first, it might spoil the feature for you. Watch it after. You'll be glad you went into the feature film knowing nothing. 

So, when you're ready, here's the short...

In conclusion, I was so moved by this film that I'm still thinking about it days after watching it. It's a testament to human bravery, steadfastness, survival, hope, and love. I highly recommend it to everyone. Don't forget the hankies! You're definitely going to need them.

A Cure For Wellness (2016)

Written by Jennifer Manriquez, Editor-In-Chief, Paddy Jack Press

Guys, I liked it. I know a lot of people didn't. And I generally H-A-T-E body horror, but this body horror was tolerable, the setting was kind of Giallo-gothic, and I'm a Dane DeHaan fan. So, what's not to like? Let's get into it, shall we?

Dane DeHaan plays lead character, Lockhart, who is sent to a sanatorium in the Swiss Alps on a quest to retrieve a colleague who has inexplicably decided to spend the rest of his life there. They are stock brokers or financiers or some-such that I can't even force myself to care about. During all the shop talk I kept thinking, "just get to the guts of the story already!" Douchebags discussing douchery does not interest me - in fact, it makes me feel dirty, like maybe I need to douche. Luckily, the douchbaggery bit doesn't last too long and our hero is soon on his way to the land of Swiss cheese and Swiss chocolate! (Great, now I'm hungry...)

I won't recount all of the minor details here, but I will say that it doesn't take our boy Lockhart long to figure out that something's amiss at the sanitorium.

Speaking of the sanatorium, the whole Swiss vibe reminded me of Dario Argento's Phenomena. There are a few shots of a train crackling through the wilderness and some beautiful frames on the Alps. Gorgeous! And, yet somehow haunting. It's wide open, yet serves to make the viewer feel claustrophobic and alone, which hearkens to how Argento so masterfully accomplished it. Wellness is missing the Goblin soundtrack and the tourist yelling for help, but you get the idea. The setting puts you in the middle of a beautiful nowhere and there is nobody around for miles to help you. Enjoy the view!





And, just for fun, here's the opening scene of Argento's Phenomena, for your reference files and viewing pleasure. (P.S. Fun fact! The girl in this scene is Dario Argento's daughter, Fiore Argento.)



Beautiful and haunting setting aside, the story moves along at a decent pace, with the introduction of villains, allies, and worms at the right times. It's all very mysterious and I never found myself wanting to stop the movie and just see what happens on the internet. I felt compelled to let it unfold.

There's a girl, there's a boy, there's some weirdness going on. I don't need to get into every detail, but I liked the story, even if it did become a hair predictable at times, and I thought the acting and the effects were great. Like I said before, I am not a fan of body horror and there are some teeth things in this movie, along with some mouth and throat things, maybe some eyeball stuff, maybe not. I don't want to spoil! So, two of those things is true and one isn't. I'll let you find out for yourself.

There's a very claustrophobic water tank scene that had me holding my breath as well!



The whole scene in the tank was very involved and took ten days to shoot. The experience sounds utterly terrifying to me, so hats off to DeHaan for going through with it. I hope his paycheck reflects his fortitude. You can read about the making of this scene and a couple of others from the film here: http://www.vulture.com/2017/02/how-a-cure-for-wellness-pulled-off-its-creepiest-scenes.html

It's difficult not to go into spoiler territory, because there are some specific scenes near the end of the film that I really need to discuss with fellow horror fans over coffee, but alas the movie isn't old enough that I feel like I can go whole hog with the ending. Let me just say that it's weird and gross, but also not exactly what I was expecting and therefore provided a pleasant, albeit cringe-worthy, surprise.

In conclusion, I enjoyed it. I think you will too. Hit me up on Twitter and let me know what you think!

Oh, before I go, on July 13th, legendary horror host Joe Bob Briggs will be treating Shudder viewers to a 24-hour movie marathon, complete with Joe Bob's cuts chock full of info and commentary. There's no way I'll be able to watch the entire 24 hour run, but I'm sure gonna try! My sincere hope is that Shudder will make a Joe Bob Briggs channel and allow us to watch the films at a later date with his cuts inserted. Please do this for me, Shudder. No, not for me. For US!!! Here's the ad that's been making it's way around the Twitters.

Madman (1981)

Written by Jennifer Manriquez, Editor-In-Chief, Paddy Jack Press

Who among you 80s kids remembers seeing this cover in the video store?

I remember seeing the cover to this film displayed on the massive wall of VHS horror rentals in the 80s and, for some reason, I never rented it. So, when I saw it pop up in my Shudder feed last night, I thought I'd make up for having missed it in my childhood. Like, what if all of the bad things that have ever happened to me were just cosmic side effects of having not seen this movie as a kid? Couldn't hurt, right?

Wrong.

This movie is fucking terrible. But I enjoyed it. Not because it's good, it's terrible. But it's SO bad, and the dialogue is SO cheesy, and the direction is SO fathomless, and the prosthetic madman makeup is SO awful, and one of the girls has a lisp, and... 

...and I therefore couldn't help but to enjoy it. 

This movie has it all. First, we're at a camp. Wait, a camp? Is it a camp?? They never really say, but I think it's a camp. There are cabins and a campfire, but an upcoming Thanksgiving celebration is mentioned as well. And everyone is wearing a jacket. Who goes to camp in November?? Also, there are only like five kids there, and they're all different ages. Is this some sort of mutant training facility deep in the Pine Barrens? That would actually make a lot more sense than a random sleepaway camp in November.

My favorite thing of all time is the love scene between camp counselors T.P. (yep, like toilet paper) and googly-eyed blond Betsy. It is the most bizarre and drawn-out love scene I've ever witnessed. The two participants aren't even touching each other, and maybe Betsy is looking at T.P., but it's hard to tell because of the aforementioned googly-eyes. She always gives off the appearance of looking past or through everyone she stares at. I'm not gonna lie, it's hilarious. The camera goes in for a close-up on each and every piece of clothing they remove. Betsy takes off her shirt, then T.P. takes off his; then Betsy removes her necklace, then T.P. takes off his belt; and so on and so on until they're finally as naked as little jay birds. Then they step into a bubbling hot tub and inexplicably just sort of randomly whirl and spin around in it. It makes absolutely not a goddamn lick of sense, and I laughed so hard I had to go and get my husband to show it to him. I whispered in his ear, "I want to show you something that's going to make you SO horny." When the scene was over, I asked, "Well?" He looked down at his crotch and said dryly, "Nothin'." Isn't the purpose of a love scene in an 80s horror film to make teenagers horny? If anything, I think my vagina might have crawled up into my ribcage, especially when they finally kiss and it's the driest, most boring, lamest, non-chemistry-having kiss you will ever see on celluloid. All of this wondrous lovemaking is accompanied by a somber and "sexy" ballad that - fun fact - is sung by the actor playing T.P. 

Fortunately, our good friend YouTube has provided the scene for us to enjoy. So... enjoy. 

Well? Did that make you horny? Or did your genitals retreat up into your torso? 

Other than Betsy and T.P., the other characters' names were lost to me. I'm sure they were mentioned several times, but I just didn't care enough to remember them, so my mind came up with alternatives as I was watching the film. What happened to Fro-Girl? Where's White Guy. Run, Lisp, run!!!

From L to R: Fro-Girl, Freddy Mercury, Lisp, and White Guy

And, lastly, let's talk about the laughably awful prosthetic mask and fake, rubbery feet on the madman. Check out this hot mess...

Guys, this movie is beyond horrible, but it's definitely worth watching with friends, right along with some drinking and riffing. If you're watching it because you fear it's absence in your childhood caused all the calamity that later befell you and it left a hole in your psyche, I'm afraid you're out of luck. No holes will be filled because of this movie. None. Not a single one. You get what I'm saying?

Good-Bye, Bill...

Written by Jennifer Manriquez, Editor-In-Chief, Paddy Jack Press

Guys and gals, I feel I must shed a tear for the passing of my blog-moniker's hero, Bill Paxton. His line from my all-time favorite movie, Aliens, is the reason for the title of this blog. "Stop your grinnin' and drop your linen." Not only is Paxton the only actor to be killed by the ultimate sci-fi trifecta - a Xenomorph, a Predator, and a Terminator, but he also hails from my great city of Fort Worth, TX. I once stood in the same room as him, less than ten feet away, and I was too much of a dork to say anything to him. Now I'll never get the chance again. Along with horror and sci-fi fans all over the world, I raise a glass of blue milk to you, Bill Paxton. You are one of the greats, and you will be greatly missed. "Now, for God's sake, will you cover yourself?!" 

'After Hours' Short Film (2016)

Written by Jennifer Manriquez, Editor-In-Chief, Paddy Jack Press

Before I get started, please allow me to issue an apology for my extended absence. Until yesterday my life was completely commandeered by the video game Skyrim. Yes, I'm a 44-year-old woman who plays Skyrim. Heard of it? If not, count yourself among the lucky. I devoted far too many hours of my daily life to it, and a monstrosity we referred to around here simply as "laundry mountain" was the result. Laundry mountain has been whittled down, though isn't completely gone, and I have actually started cooking for my family again. Did I finish the game? No. For, you see, the game is never finished. Therein lies the problem. I just had no other choice but to step away and reclaim my sanity. So here I am. It's good to see you again!

I'm starting my comeback with a spunky little short film called After Hours, written by Adam Weber, directed by Michael Aguiar, and starring Bill Oberst Jr. whom you may remember from the last short film I reviewed, Heir. The film clocks in at just a hint over 12 minutes. The story is simple, but well-defined. There isn't time to get mired down in backstory, though quite a bit can be implied in the characters' respective demeanors. Actor Bill Oberst Jr. is a strong talent, and carries the film well. In fact, all of the actors did a good job with their parts, but Oberst Jr. was the standout for me. I don't really want to get into the meat of the story since it's a short film and anything I tell you could be a potential spoiler. It's a quick who-dunnit with a surpise twist ending, an easygoing combination of slasher film and mystery-drama. My only criticism is that it dragged just a touch in the middle, but it was definitely enjoyable. After Hours is currently touring the film festival circuit and will soon be available to a wider audience. In the meantime, check out the trailer (embedded below) and keep an eye on their Facebook page for news!

Man, it feels good to be back.

All Four Jaws'es

Written by Jennifer Manriquez, Editor-In-Chief, Paddy Jack Press

You're gonna need a bigger blog!

(Hey-ohhh, sorry but I couldn't resist.)

I've been sick for a week - head and chest crud that just doesn't want to go away. And I've been thinking I should go to the doctor, but as sweet as my doctor is, she is notorious for throwing an antibiotic at literally every ailment. You have a rash? Here, take an antibiotic. Oh, your hair is thinning? An antibiotic will cure that. Broken toenail, you say? Take this Z-pack, it'll fix you right up. Then it's diarrhea for two weeks and, if you'll pardon this dose of reality, a scorching yeast infection. No thanks. I am seriously trying to get over this one on my own. Anyway, the point I'm making is that I've had a lot of down-time over the past week, and I've watched a crap-ton of movies. Poltergeist, Knock Knock, Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension, to name a few (reviews on the latter two coming soon). I also watched - are you ready for this? - all four Jaws installments right in a row. For the first time in my entire 43 and a half years of life. It was so enlightening! As well as confusing... but I'll get to that. Here we go!

Let's start with Jaws, the first. Frankly, it's one of my favorite movies of all time, and to me it's just straight-up flawless. It really doesn't get any better than this. Sure, those deep-diving reviewers can find problems with it, and they just love to yap about the troubles on set. But I don't care about any of that. The movie is great! The characters are real, and relatable. Everyone knows a fearful but determined Chief Brody, everyone knows a neurotic, smart and irritatingly rich Hooper, and everyone knows a crotchety old crazy bastard like Quint, the asshole you can trust. I feel like all three of these people are somewhere in my personality (minus the rich part), and I can relate to them, which makes every scene of the film that much more enjoyable. Plus, a shark!

If you do not yet believe that I have a deep love for this film, 

I give you the following evidence:

Yes, friends. These are my cankles in my super-fancy, much-beloved Jaws topsiders. I had to have 'em! And when I live-tweeted Jaws with my Twitter pals a couple of weeks ago, I wore them proudly. 

I don't feel that I need to say anything more about Jaws. We've all seen it. I love it crazy-hard, it's amazingly good, and still holds up even in the age of CGI and ADD. I hate that Quint was eaten by his greatest fear and most tragic memory, but them's the breaks in horror films. So, I hereby dedicate this review to the memory of Quint, because he rocks.

Quint. All hail.

Also, this guy Harry rocks.

"That's some bad hat, Harry."

And, lastly, this guy Harbor Master Frank Silva rocks too.

I want Frank Silva's life. He just looks so happy with his pipe and crackers.

Now - off with the good, and on with the bad. This brings us to Jaws 2.

I can sit through some really boring movies (I liked Maggie, for Pete's sake!) but this one was just a snoozer. It starts off kind of cool, with two rich scuba jerks exploring the underwater wreckage of the Orca, Quint's boat from the first film, and taking stupid pictures. I was into it. Hey, look, there's the Orca! Neat! And then the rich guys get eaten, which was great. We were off to a good start. But then the actual story started, picking up with Brody and his wife and kids at some lame PR event, and it just landed onscreen like a wet fart. 

We have the much older Michael and Sean, Brody's boys, still disobeying their dad. Michael has clearly learned nothing from the first film. And apparently neither has the Amity mayor, who still refuses to close the beaches after a shark attack. It just feels silly and ridiculous. After the events of the first film, you'd think the mayor would hang on Brody's every word, but nope. 

The second set of deaths, a skiier and her boat driver, are kind of funny though, so at least we get a chuckle out of it. The skiier gets eaten, and then the boat driver, who easily could have just left the scene in her boat after she realized her skiier had become chum, decides to fight off the shark using a gas tank and a flare gun, which burns her alive (seriously, she's on water, can't she just jump off the boat and swim for it - she's only 20 yards from shore!). It's really the only time you see someone in a Jaws movie killed by their own ineptitude. At least the shark got a hot lunch. He also got a burned face from biting into the boat while it was on fire, and a bitchin' scar which I suppose was meant to make him look more menacing. But it doesn't. For some reason, this shark looks less realistic than the one from the first film, more foamy and less sharky. You'd think it'd be better, that they would work out any of the kinks from the first film, but nope. They weirdly get progressively worse and less realistic in each consecutive film. 

And Roy Scheider just phones it in - you can tell he doesn't want to be here doing this film. Also, there's no Dreyfuss at all this time, so that's balls. 

While Jaws 2 is generally considered the best of the Jaws sequels, I disagree. I put my money on Jaws 3-D as the best, if only for the corny effects and entertainment value. It's a laugh a minute. Plus, I like the background of the theme park, with it's zany cast of employees in colorful costumes, and it's nifty underwater tunnel. Plus, you get trained dolphins named Cindy and Sandy. What's not to love? 

A young Lea Thompson stars as one of the park's employees, who tries to seduce the now-adult Sean. And the adult Michael, played by Dennis Quaid, is now some kind of engineer, who works at the park, and is dating a sassy marine biologist played by Bess Armstrong, who you probably remember as the dorky mom in My So-Called Life. What?! And if that's not enough star power for ya, put Louis Gossett Jr. in your craw, because yep, he's in it too! 

Jaws 3-D also boasts what is easily the most ponderously terrible attack scene from any of the Jaws films. Behold for yourself in the following video clip - it's so bad it's good...

And now we've reached the final heaving rush of stinging diarrhea from the Jaws franchise, Jaws 4: The Revenge. 

The title implies that the shark is getting revenge on the remaining members of the Brody clan, which is really stupid because that original shark was blown to bits in the first film. Then the random Great White from the second film was electrocuted to bits. And the shark from the 3rd film, who was supposedly just getting back at the park employees for killing her baby, was killed. So, what the hell's the deal with this shark?! How could this shark possibly know that there are three Brodys left on earth to be eaten in an act of "personal" revenge. The premise just makes no goddamn sense on any level. And poor Sean, the youngest Brody, gets eaten right there in the first death scene. Sean has apparently taken over as Chief of the island, where his mom still lives. Why haven't they moved inland by now??! I mean, c'mon people. The beach is clearly not the place for you! 

Michael now has a family and is living in the Bahamas doing some kind of vague research on conch snails. Wasn't he like an engineer or something in the last movie?? So, he talks his grief-stricken mom, played once again by Lorraine Gary, into visiting his family and staying with them through the holidays. Fine, whatever. 

Lorraine Gary's look has really changed since the first film, to a disconcerting degree. She went from soft, sweet mom figure..

...to uber-angular 80s lady, complete with pointy haircut and sharp shoulder pads. Blech.

There's also some mild racism in this film, marking the only time you see a black character who actually fights the shark (and, naturally, dies). This one is so Bahamian he wears Dwayne-Wayne sunglasses, natty dreads, and a host of Bahama and Caribbean-themed shirts. It just kind of seems like overkill to me. I mean, look at this guy. "Look at 'im, mon!" I know I'm describing a Jamaican racist stereotype, and this character is from the Bahamas, and I realize it doesn't make sense. But talk to the director because this Bahamian acts Jamaican. It is sincerely beyond my understanding.

In the end, the shark gets killed and all of the white people swim happily home. Everything seems like it's going to be okay. But how could it be? We're technically on shark #5 in this movie. They just keep popping up! And they're apparently all born with the innate knowledge that there are specific people with the surname of Brody who just plain NEED to be eaten. So, how can everything be okay?? I'm telling you, it makes no effing sense at all. At the end of Jaws 4, the mom is smiling and laughing as she boards a plane to go back home. Back home, where her son was just eaten, where the sharks are clearly popping out of some magical shark-spawning cave. I don't get it. I just don't get it. Move to Oklahoma, dummies! 

But, if there's a Jaws 5, you better believe I'm gonna watch it. And I'm probably gonna need a bigger... no wait, smaller, brain. No problem - I drink a lot of coffee.

Until next time,

"Smile, you son of a bitch!"

Heir (2015)

Written by Jennifer Manriquez, Editor-In-Chief, Paddy Jack Press

Heir,  a Canadian-born short film from Fatal Pictures, funded via a Kickstarter campaign, was written and directed by Richard Powell, and produced by Zach Green. It's less than 14 minutes long, so I'm not going to go into great detail about the plot or post any spoilers. You'll just have to go check it out for yourself. It's still in post-production right now, but it will be available soon. In the meantime, you can go to the Fatal Pictures website and check out some of their other short films. 

What I will say is that Heir does a good job of creating tension and curiosity for the viewer. The mix of ominous music and lighting, combined with some stellar practical effects, made for a gross-but-enjoyable little watch. It leaves you thinking about the film's metaphorical statement because there clearly is one. It isn't obvious at first glance, though. I had to read the director's statement to get the skinny on the subversive story's meaning. Go ahead and read it. It won't spoil the movie for you - in fact, I think it will make your viewing experience even more rife with tension, which is a good thing when you're watching spooky stuff.

Director's Statement: FATAL PICTURES' HEIR (2015),
Richard Powell

"HEIR is a monster movie unlike any other, it is a bleak and fantastical examination of one of societies darkest taboos that aims to stimulate the mind and wrench the gut with equal power. HEIR suggests that victimization through sexual abuse leads to mutation of the psyche, soul and in our film, flesh itself. As our film aims to examine the cycle of victimization it only makes sense to depict the various stages of victimization through a trio of characters; Father, Son and the Monster. Just as the Son represents the potential beginning of the cycle the monster reflects the dark and twisted ending and stuck between these two extremes is the father who is faced with a choice which may either break or continue the legacy he was unwillingly included in years ago in his own youth. HEIR is ultimately about the confrontation with that monster, literally and figuratively, which dwells in Gordon's mind and compels him to continue the chain of victimization. This film operates between the worlds of Drama and Horror and takes equally from both in terms of aesthetics, structure and style. As much as I'd like the audience to think about what they are seeing I want them to react viscerally to it as well and with that in mind we set out to create striking, often grotesque and extreme imagery which serves it's own purpose in addition to reinforcing the overall thesis of HEIR. I had originally intended to tell this story as a straight Drama with none of the fantastical Horror trappings. I thought a realistic version of this story would be more disturbing, truthful and effective but as I began to think about what this story really means I realized the metaphor I would end up employing tells a deeper truth despite the monster makeup and Argento-esque lighting. I realized the truest way to tackle the horrors of child abuse and victimization was to pull away the exterior of the human monsters who walk among us and expose the malignancy within. Any time I've been asked to describe HEIR I reply with a simple elevator pitch "They say that anyone who abuses a child is a monster, well what if they really were monsters?".

I also want to yawp a hearty "thank you" to Fatal Pictures for using practical effects (I've said it many times before and I'll say it again - CGI monsters are not scary!) and for hiring actors that are not only very good at what they do but also normal-looking people. I have a difficult time relating to way-too-beautiful-to-be-real actors and actresses in films, battling CGI monsters no less. I prefer characters that look like anyone I could know or meet on the street. It makes the whole thing feel more real and relatable. Are you listening, Hollyweird?!

This short film takes itself seriously and is well-done, yet also somehow manages to be fun. Keep your eyes out for a release date and give it a watch! Until then, here's a teaser trailer to keep you "hungry"...